Struggles or blessings?

I had a conversation with my manicurist just now about how kids nowadays were so pampered and unappreciative at the same time. They were the lucky generation as compared to the time when I was young. 

I still remember, there was once in my childhood when my electricity was cut off due to our inability to pay the bill. I was still in school uniform and we had to grab our stuff in torchlight to stay in my grandma’s house. 

I wasn’t born in a rich family even though there was a part of my childhood when I was rather fortunate to have a maid in the past before my dad suffered losses in the business and our family income went down. 

While teens nowadays were planning for their post-grad holiday, I was worried back then about my ability to pay off the bank loan after I graduated. Economic times were bad, I was doing part-time work before I landed my first permanent role after 4 months of graduation. 

While teens nowadays were travelling with their family during the school holiday, back then I was part-timing earning extra income as a banquet waitress. 

While kids nowadays can ask their parents to buy them the latest gadget, back then I could only save up for the thing I wanted by giving part-time tuition. 

I was brought up in the environment when nothing comes for free and I have to earn it if I wanted something because no one could give it to me. Compared to the children nowadays, they are more fortunate than me yet I am thankful for the struggles I have to go through.

Because of these hard times in the past, I am not easily lured by the luxe life in the modern days such as becoming a millionaire, living in a luxurious house or having a high life. I won’t say I’m not ambitious because I still have my goals that I want to work on. I would say I am more down-to-earth and happy with the simple things in life because I appreciate these simple things more. 

While others are changing their branded items seasons after seasons, my very own Coach bag is still with me after 10 years (yes, the side of the buttons are mouldy, they are still usable). While my friends are talking about branded stuff, I felt foreign to it. To me, a $30 bag works just as well as a $3,000 bag and even better, I won’t feel the heartache when my bag is slightly dirty and that allows me to change seasons after seasons (more so due to wear and tear since they are not meant to last) without guilt. My very chic lifestyle without a high price tag. 

Had things started off on the high side during my childhood, the situation would be very different especially now when I have my own income. Don’t get me wrong, I do spend. I spent it more on educating myself (eg. paying $350 for an one-day course or paying for ticket to watch a good play), on my healthcare to make sure I recover well, on my holiday for a good immersion experience, on a good dining experience with my friends. I spent more to satisfy my soul than my material wants. 

I am thankful for my struggles and suffering in the past. They made me grounded and appreciative, more easily satisfied that life has offered me, leaving me more space to understand things around me. 

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Fine line in life 

There’s a very fine line lying across life, could you find them?

– Spontaneity vs (calculated) risk-taking

– Living life vs living the right life

– Asking questions vs asking the right questions 

– Doing thing vs doing the right thing 

– Selfish vs self-care 

What’s right and what’s wrong? You may ask. It’s right according to you, that’s the right one. Someone may challenge you, may argue with you. Seeing it positively, if you can hold your stand well and convince others to adopt your right standards, that’s your capability. 

Human differences 

Cultural differences, ego, misunderstanding, grudges, why do these things like to tear good people apart instead of uniting them to work together for a greater good. 

In my mind, I saw kind good souls who are capable of doing great things. Not malicious people intending to hurt people. They are genuinely vulnerable people who are susceptible to life challenges, ups and downs. Some of them protect the weaker ones in a very direct and bold way yet came across as brass and rude to others. Can you fault them? Maybe their way is not the best way, they have good intentions. 

Some of them are eager to perform well in front of others to the extent of being stressed. Perhaps they are seeking for recognition in return. To me, I see that as pointless, there’s no perfect product. It’s all up for discussion for continuous improvement. Indeed, a few heads with arguments/discussion do make the end product better. 

I just pray and hope there are more mediator in between these differences and bring people together instead of tearing people apart. 

Sense of bliss 

As I was asking myself the question of what I wanted to do if I only left with 6 mths to live, it started off with the emotional thrash-out eg. Quit my job, go travel etc. 

A friend’s departure changed my list. She was just 20. I was shocked to hear she’s left the world. I flipped through her FB and saw the happy memories that she had. A good worthy life she had lived I am sure, even though it’s short. 

Then I came back to my list, I realised they are just tides of escapade. Not really what I want. I yearned for close relationships, self-love and simply the sense of bliss. 

It’s interesting how I observed people with heaps of wealth can be one who can’t feel the sense of bliss despite having the financial power to get what they want. On the other hand, poor people who can’t afford to get lavish houses, may be the one who enjoys this sense of bliss. 

So how do we get this sense of bliss? Had your goals? Yes, have your goals then let go of them and live in the present moment. Put the goals in your mind’s back burner and it seems too passive to you, schedule them as one habit in your life, BUT the key is still to let go of them and live in the present moment. 

I realised the sense of bliss is felt when we slow down, observe and appreciate the art of beauty in life around us. It’s not about chasing things and arriving at goals. It’s appreciating the Now and observing the beauty of it. It has a name, Mindfulness. 

Childhood love

Today moments of pain / coldness from my childhood floats up to me, when I start to feel or find love from my childhood, I realised I have been very fortunate to be surrounded by love from my friends, teachers, neighbours, grand parents, aunties and uncles. At this point, my Achilles heel is still my family and my parents. 

Then I realised, in a situation of pain, there must be support of love coming from somewhere otherwise the person won’t be able to survive. Since the person (eg. Me) is able to survive, there must be sources of love which had been buried in the sea of painful memories. If one were to feel the love from the past once again, the healing starts. 

I’m not pushing to recover from my family entirely now, I’m trying to heal myself from the wounds that came up as and when they come and try to remember and strengthen the love memories I have in the past to help me with my now, my future and my wound healing. ❤️💓❤️💓

Happy with and without possessions

This morning I saw a professional looking woman sitting in a cafe. That’s the kind of person I would like to be. However, after reading the article “World’s Greatest Lover”, I realised even if I’m a professional woman but if I’m not happy, what’s the point of being one?

There’s so much one can consume can take from this limited lifespan. What’s important is to be happy with these blessings and in the process of accumulating more of these blessings, be happy about it. After all, the objective of this life is to be happy. Happy when u have it and happy in the pursuit of it when U don’t have it now. That’s the purpose of life isn’t it?

The pot of crabs 

In a pot, the crabs were struggling and fighting each other. Scratching each other, holding back each other just to make sure no one gets up ahead of each other.

In one corner of a pot, there’s one crab which is silently figuring out how to get out of the pot and not fighting with the rest. “What’s the point of fighting when the objective is to get out of the pot?”

Everyday this crab is figuring out how to move out at its own pace. There are days when a few crabs came over to ask and a few crabs that came over to disturb. I want to get out of this pot, it remembers.

Trying numerous times on the attempts to get out, it finally succeed in getting out and while it looked back, it saw a massacre of dead crabs which had fallen in the battle of getting up while the rest of the crabs are still fighting with each other to get to the top.